spaces (1)

Stella

Josh. He’s a straight-A medical student. He fits everyone’s boyfriend goals and yet he’s the sweetest guy I’ve ever met. He knows me better than anyone else does and literally understands me. He always has my back and he’s always there for me. But we’re best friends. At least that’s what we always claimed to be.

It all started when we were first met in High School. That very moment, I know there must be a “click” between us. We call ourselves as “friends” but everyone else knows we’re more than just “friends”. Basically, everyone ships us, even when we deny it.

But then, things between us started to shatter and crumble. There were earthquakes, hurricanes, thunders and lightning. No, it’s not because we fought. We never fought nor argued at all. Frankly, we both love each other but neither one of us would admit it. And I figured it out quite late.

All of this turned out this way ever since Josh told me we’re better off as just “friends”. Through all of those late night calls and deep talks, both of us knew this was hardly possible since we knew we’ve gone too far. I remembered his words, “I want the best for us”, “This is the way we should be”, “Let’s bring things back to normal”, “We can fix this together”, “We should wash away our feelings for each other, otherwise, nothing will stay the same and we can’t be together anymore”.

“We should wash away our feelings for each other, otherwise, nothing will stay the same and we can’t be together anymore.”

How stupid of me. How stupid of me to let all of this happen. How stupid of me to believe him that things would go back to normal. There is no “normal” in our dictionaries. How stupid of me to believe that we could wash away our feelings to stay as friends. These feelings have changed us. Nothing will ever stay the same. Why? Because the only thing that’s constant in this world is change. Yes, the truth is such a paradox. And this is truly deadly. Our “friendship” would be either a game of pretending, or it won’t happen at all. The odds are all against us.

“The only thing that’s constant in this world is change. Yes, the truth is such a paradox. And this is truly deadly.”

How is it that Josh never understood any of this?

Josh

Stella. Perfection at its best. A hundred percent sweet, smart, caring, confident, funny, beautiful and cute. I love her. Well, everyone else does too. She’s the smartest person I’ve ever met, not just intellectually but also personally. She’s mature, open-minded, optimistic and realistic. She’s seen me at my worst and she’s the only person who could make me believe that everything’s going to be just fine. She always tells me that things aren’t as bad as they seem and that there’s always a way out of the mess. She’s the only person who could make me change my mind. And it’s always been such a wonder for me. I’ve loved her from the start. And I just figured that she’s everything I’ve ever wanted.

I have friends and several crushes before, but no one’s ever changed my life this far. I used to think that I’ve been in love this far before, with my ex. But no. Stella’s different. She’s a mystery. She’s a person worth fighting for. She’s worth keeping. I don’t want to lose her. I don’t want to let her go. And I’ve never been this deep in all of my relationships.

“I don’t want to lose her. I don’t want to let her go. And I’ve never been this deep in all of my relationships.”

We started off as friends and I started to notice how attracted I was to her much later. At that moment, I can’t believe that we’re this close. I mean, I never actually noticed how close we were and I just started to understand why people have been shipping us together.

Everything about her had a touch of mystery. Are all girls like this? I believe not. It’s just her and my guts tell me I’m right. Sometimes, I just don’t get her. But I’m always wondering how she always gets me right. Maybe she does know me way better than I do.

Then things suddenly went out of our hands, just like sand. It was change. We couldn’t hold on to each other too tight, or we’ll lose everything instead. This is all my fault. If I wasn’t overwhelmed by our closeness, we wouldn’t have become this far apart. I created the distance between us. I was the one who tore everything apart. Before, everything was perfectly crafted into place. We were perfect. Until I couldn’t think properly. Now, all I know is that I have to fix this. And the only thing I know is that we couldn’t hold on to each other too tight. What we can do is stay friends. That way, we won’t lose each other.

“Then things suddenly went out of our hands, just like sand. It was change. We couldn’t hold on to each other too tight, or we’ll lose everything instead.”

I sense uncertainty in her. She doesn’t believe that we could actually stay friends. But why? I thought everything’s actually fine between us. It’s just a matter of feelings. And I know we can fix this. We can make things right again. We won’t lose each other because we don’t have to.

I’ve always given her my attention and time. I think about her. I want to understand her. I want to fix us. But why doesn’t she notice the effort I’m putting on this relationship? I do realize that she’s trying to hold on, and that’s exactly the same thing I’m doing. But I feel like I need to create this distance because we need distance in order to hold things not too tightly.

Why can’t Stella understand all of this?

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